Ragne's Abyss

Silence is mesmerizing. I find myself taking it for granted. It is the moments where I’ve been trapped in noise, and I finally seclude myself from the chaos, where I appreciate silence. In those moments, I think to myself, “I wish my life felt like this”. I wish I felt the indescribable peace that intertwines with me every time I listen to the hum of my AC or the birds chirping outside my window. It’s addictive, like cigarette smoke. I see videos with a “vibe” similar to listening to silence or occasionally dancing to jazz. The aesthetic that’s pinned to the stillness of life doesn’t feel genuine. It leaves me wondering what it actually looks like to live a life in stillness. That’s when my mind wanders to monks or the Catholics that live out in the mountains, praying multiple times a day. I’ll even think about those who live in the countryside or on the Oregon coastline. No matter where I travel, I feel that I won’t be able to attain the silence I’m looking for. Does it come from within? That’s what I assume. You can only live in stillness if you train your mind to function in that way. But when you are conditioned to always be running, it’s hard to stand still. That’s where I am—unable to stop my mind from always thinking and my lips from always talking. I’m like a stream, always flowing and unable to stop unless a drought appears. Is that a similar feeling—to want to stop speaking, enjoy stillness, and not be the one to bring motion? This idea has nothing to do with gracefulness. Yes, I can imagine some would tie it to simply having class and being graceful, as a woman at least. But, I don’t see it as having anything to do with the patriarchal structure of the poor versus the privileged or the system that women are meant to follow. If anything, I see it resembling animal life. The stillness that nature provides in all of its forms. Though animals always have to be wary of their surroundings due to surviving in an unruly environment, there are so many moments of just silence. They don’t listen to music, they move with intention, they eat when needed, and they speak when necessary in the way that they can. Though there are obvious beauties that come with being human, the ability to want rather than just need. Experiencing life in a way no other animal would be able to is a beautiful thing, but so is the beauty of the rawness that comes with nature. It’s hard to simply exist in a culture that is fast-paced. Everything is ever-changing, and there’s the illusion that there’s never any time to rest; that resting will only leave you behind and alienated from reality. There’s always noise—silence is hard to come by. This “yearning” for silence stemmed from a quote I read in one of the many books I start but never finish. The quote says, “blocking out ambient sounds by listening to music—will condition your mind to always search for stimulation”; this is from The Practice of Not Thinking – A Guide to Mindful Thinking by Ryunosuke Koike. It opened my eyes to the fact that I’m always in stimulating situations. There’s constant noise everywhere that I go, and the only times I ever get silence is when I’m alone—completely alone. That also made me realize that I rarely have time when I’m completely alone. Perhaps that’s the only way that I can gain the life of silence, through time alone to sit in stillness.