Ragne's Abyss

Wabi-Sabi [wabe – sabe] – A Japanese philosophy and aesthetic that finds value in imperfection.

Growing old has made me realize how much the world thrives off of perfectionism. It’s interesting because perfection is non-existent, yet we as humans work so hard to try to achieve it. A word that was created by an imperfect being is now sought after. I too chase after the idea of being perfect. The perfect skin, the perfect teeth, the perfect body, the perfect hair.

 What’s even more interesting is the fact that perfection is often attached to external aesthetics; our appearance. We all have an idea of what a perfect person looks like, but perfection doesn’t always make a person attractive. If we’re tying attractiveness to perfection, that would indicate that a lot of people are perfect; that simply isn’t the case. With the never-ending chase to perfection, I commit to avenues I genuinely don’t need to go down. 

A recent example I’ve experienced are my braces. I had a gap, which I held onto until I was seventeen. Constantly throughout school, I was often picked on for my gap; the mocking was normally committed by boys. 

The gap wasn’t big at all, it was relatively small but the comments made it expand in my mind. It became an insecurity that I felt I needed to fix in order to conquer it. The gap didn’t prohibit me from eating nor did it affect my speech. It was just there and it was different from the beauty standard of perfectly straight and porcelain teeth. So, I ended up getting braces and just recently have I gotten them off. It’s been a year without my gap and now that I’m able to see my teeth without the blockage of braces, I miss it. 

I remember one of my closest friends saying, “Why did you get rid of your gap? It’s what made you, you”. Her comment stuck with me. At first I was mad at the comment; I hated the gap so much that anything against removing it had irritated me. Yet, after some thought I started to wonder if my gap had added some form of uniqueness to my appearance. Did my gap really make me, me? Have I gotten rid of one of my beauty marks that had made me, in a way, special?

 I know that amongst other people, my gap allowed me to stand out. I never saw the attention as a good thing due to my extreme insecurities about my appearance. Perhaps, the attention was good. My boyfriend always enjoys saying, “It’s all about your perspective”. I haven’t started resonating with that mindset until recently this year. So, I find myself missing my gap. It not only made me look different from others but it also was a gemstone from my childhood. I’ve always known myself to have a gap, it’s extremely unusual seeing myself without one; I even find it a bit uncanny. With the uncomfortable pain my retainer brings me and the constant grappling of uniqueness amongst myself, I’ve had the feeling of wanting to stop using my retainer and allow my teeth to shift back to their natural position.

 All morning I’ve been searching for reasonable validation as to why I should stop using my retainer. Unfortunately, everyone else on the internet seems to hate their past smile and enjoys their new one. Nothing I read placed me into the echo chamber I was hoping to indulge in. Guilt is what’s holding me back from saying “YOLO” and never returning to my retainers. The guilt of money is what I speak of. 

My mom has put a lot of money into the perfecting of my smile. The thought of her money going to utter waste doesn’t sit right with me. Yet, the feeling of my retainers also doesn’t sit right with me. After a year of having braces, I wanted to be free from any more ‘correcting’. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that I’d be maintaining the corrections for the rest of my life. My personal insecurities about myself have trapped me into a place I’d rather not be in. 

Though, to others, they would complain about my view on my now “perfect” teeth. “Why are you complaining? Your teeth are now straight and white”, is what I would assume most would say. Many yearn for ruler-straight teeth; I did too and I must admit, it still looks very appealing. Even with its aesthetics, I don’t wish to maintain it.

 I enjoy the thought of being free in all aspects. One specifically would be, being free to be natural; Allowing my teeth to be the way they are without personal judgement. I no longer want to chase after perfection. I want to admire my imperfections. Frankly, the most interesting and unique individuals are filled with imperfections. It is unfortunate that the word “imperfect” or “imperfections” are so heavily demonized. If they weren’t, I probably wouldn’t have gotten braces in the first place.

 I don’t blame the world for my decisions and the changes I have done to myself, nor do I blame myself. At the end of the day, it’s my mindset that will allow me to make the right decisions for myself. Yes, the world can heavily influence my thoughts but it is up to me to consume that influence or to disregard it. Imperfection is a beautiful thing, it is exactly what makes us human; besides the biological aspects of course.

 It is understandable why the Japanese philosophy “wabi-sabi” is being showcased on the internet. The world also wishes to get out of the race to perfection. Maybe it’s a universal thought, a universal want. I hope to live to a day where I see imperfection rise to the height of perfection.

I seek imperfection.