Why is it that when you become an adult, you start to question everything about yourself? Questioning your style, your personality; “Do I actually enjoy this?”, “What am I good at?”, “What do I actually like to do?”. I find myself questioning everything about myself almost all of the time. In a society where everyone is performing to be liked, I catch myself following the crowd a lot. Purchasing skincare that I really don’t need, buying clothes based on an aesthetic I saw, wearing my hair in styles that fit the “era” we’re in. I mimic TikTok trends and dress like my Pinterest boards but I never enjoy it. I never enjoy mimicking what I see because it’s not me. Just because I find it appealing doesn’t mean it’s something that represents who I am. But, how can I represent who I am if I don’t know who I am? I’ve been following the crowd for so long, I’ve lost my path. I know, I’m not the only one to feel this way.
We’re the only species that thinks outside of ourselves. I mean, thinking about who we are and our place in the world. Adults always try to become somebody rather than simply being. We’re humans, isn’t that enough? Why do we always have to chase after the wind, trying to be somebody when we are somebody. It’s excruciatingly tedious always having to figure out who you are. Children never have to deal with this problem. When I was a kid, I knew who I was. I knew my favorite color, my favorite movie, my favorite food and dessert. I knew the career I wanted, what hobbies I loved to do, what clothes I liked to wear and what made me happy. Maybe I knew myself so well due to childhood being noncomplex in comparison to adulthood. Being a child is like being an animal but with emotions. Knowing their place in the world simply by their surroundings.
I’m in a constant chase for the satisfaction of my existence. So, I follow the lives of others and mimic what I see. It’s in hope that I can find myself through them, but I’m not them and they aren’t me. I’m not who I see online, I’m not who I talk to in person. We’re all so different, no matter our similarities. Perhaps my identity amnesia summoned from the longing fear of living a mundane life. I can’t conceptualize living a life of generic routine. It honestly scares me, constantly living on a checklist until I reach my deathbed. Yet, that’s the life the majority of the world lives. I don’t want to live a life of stressful dread. Living the same routine everyday, unable to slow my mornings, constantly living in the fast-lane.
Auto-play, not having use of my own autonomy. So, I follow those on the internet who portray their lives to be unique and stress-free. Thinking that if I mirror their lives, I’ll be able to live it. It doesn’t work. You’ll eventually realize that no matter how hard you try to be someone else, you’ll always end up lost and confused (and broke, severely broke). Even with coming to this realization, I have no idea on how to find who I am. How to learn about myself without the noise of social media and trends. I don’t know who I truly am–so, I regress. I go back to the stage in my life where I knew exactly who I was, childhood. Am I using nostalgia as a scapegoat from facing reality and self-discovery? I’m not sure because a part of me wants to believe that who I was as a child is who I still am, but older. Yet, I’m also not the same person I once was. I’ve changed drastically. I’m always pondering the concept of knowing one’s self without distraction. You can’t identify a sound when there’s music playing in different directions.
With the world being so performative, it’s hard to reveal authenticity. Especially, being that embarrassment is a world-wide phenomenon that’s locked everyone’s creativity in a box. Wabi-sabi is now being celebrated on the internet but people are still shamed upon for not blending in with the crowd. In case you don’t know what wabi-sabi is, I’ll tell you. It’s a Japanese philosophy that focuses on the appreciation of imperfections. Social media celebrates imperfections only from those who are famous or are conventionally attractive. Even in Japan, people get shamed for not blending in. Bold colors are frowned upon in society, the world glorifies vanilla.
So, how does one find themselves in a world that conditions white-bread characters? When I say “find themselves”, I mean, truly find themselves. Not forcing themselves to be a different font of the same text. When walking into a store, you pick out clothes that actually represent you. When making a playlist, you use songs that you actually enjoy, not just what’s popular. When someone asks you what you like to eat or what you enjoy doing, you have a genuine answer to give. Essentially, being so authentically yourself to where there’s no room for a self-questionnaire; because you already know. Even when you grow and you do start to change, you still have a grounding of who you are.
The question I’d like to contemplate is, Is “Who Am I?” a simple question with a simple answer, or does it involve a long journey of trials and tribulations in order to solve it? The question can’t be answered simply. Years can go by and you still have no clue who you are. Giving up on the question is never the solution, though. For, searching for the answer highlights the path to self-discovery. And though it may take years, one day you’ll look up and realize you truly do know yourself; that’s the answer.
Ragne's Abyss 
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